The US Military: unwanted World Police

As most writers and intelligent readers know, the best satire is the kind that's indistinguishable from reality. If I didn't know that the original site this was on (http://www.duffelblog.com) was a satire site, I'd have completely believed it. This is a little quip that was "part of a graduation ceremony speech at Ft. Benning." I put that in quotes so the mouth-breathers will know that this actually didn't happen. Behold:

“You’ll most likely spend your deployment sitting on a FOB, manning guard towers, or waiting to go on patrols that get cancelled. I have a reality check for you all. Not everyone in this room is a hero. I don’t give a shit what the beer commercials say. You drag your buddy out of a grape hut after you’ve stabbed two Taliban in the eyes with a broken MRE spoon then you’re a motherfucking American Hero. You clear a trench with nothing but a sack of hand-grenades and your giant brass balls, then you’re a motherfucking hero! But walking through the desert for three months without hearing a shot fired in anger and posting pictures in your combat gear doesn’t make you a goddamned hero!  I don’t care what your family says. They’re not heroes. Neither are your fucking wives. Hardest job in the Army, my ass! Damn it, I’m too old for this shit. Fuck you all.” - General Brown

This is why this is the best kind of satire, because there ARE a lot of shit-stains who join the army, get deployed to somewhere like Japan and do nothing but file paperwork or load ordnance all day, and never see combat, ever, and yet they brag about how they're heroes because they're military. Please, you're a guy doing a job, you could easily be copy-pasted into a corporate cubicle and file paperwork there. Also, please note I am in no way attempting to diminish the contributions of those who HAVE fought and died/been injured with honor for their country, I'm simply pointing out the other side of the coin, which DOES in fact, exist.

I know the military doesn't work without these people either, every large organization needs the file clerks, the secretaries, the cooks and the janitors, but come on, a hero? Really? Military service is not, I repeat IS NOT an automatic guarantor of respect or admiration. That shit is earned, and any serviceman who threatens to kick my ass because I say this, you're proving my point with exactness. I have several friends who are military or ex-military, and they don't act like people should bow down to them just because they are or were soldiers. I respect them more for that than a lot of the jackasses who basically behave like bullies to people who don't automatically treat them the way they think they should be. Fuck those guys.

 
I don't think I have to point out all the stupid, childish, and dangerous bullshit that certain servicemembers have been doing over in the Middle East, you know, throwing puppies off cliffs and shooting up villages for laughs. I don't respect those tremendous douchers, and I'm not required to. I suggest we start cutting our military budget by firing these cocknuggets first, so they can go back to their uneducated factory slogging and do some good for once.

Now that that's out of my system, hehe, I'd also like to say that I'm American, and I like cool military toys as much as the next guy, but honestly, we don't need even a tenth part of that. Military spending is out of fucking control and needs to be cut by a huge margin if we're going to make life for our people at home better. 60% of our national budget is spent on bullets, guns, and bombs, the rest is for ALL the other shit that makes our country go. It's sad, and it's disgusting, and we're the laughingstock of the civilized nations of the world because of it.

I love how I start an article and then get so caught up in it that it meanders along a path that I didn't initially intend, but ends up somewhere important, regardless. There are still a lot of people who run on the premise that we're the best country in the world (we aren't) and that we're allowed to tell everyone else what to do (we can't) because we have the biggest guns (sadly, we do). These people are either old, retarded, or brainwashed by the GOP. The sick thing is, there are too many of these people, and they reach a huge audience that they can then spread their rhetoric to and continue the cycle of military bullying.

I don't know how it will end, or IF it will end. I'd love to see it end, but at this point that's just a pipe dream, unless we manage to continue blocking the GOP at every turn now that they've revealed their true insanity to the public at large. I mean, shit, I know there are parts of the world that are more stable due to our presence, but if we're going to be fucking World Police, why are Americans the only ones footing the bill? Fold some of that shit into a UN Peacekeeping Force that would function the same way, and have the rest of the world help us keep them safe. Dare to dream, right?

That will be all.