So it's July 3rd, I have two days off, I'm tired of beating the crap out of Eclipse mercs in Mass Effect 2, and none of my friends are around to hang. I decide to go check out The Amazing Spider-Man at the local cineplex. Show starts at 8pm, I got my popcorn and soda in hand, and the theater is packed. Then random chance decided to take a huge dumper on me (yet again) and I pick a seat where within 5 minutes are seated a family consisting of two twentysomething parents, and their THREE children, approximately 3, 4, and 5 years of age. Let 2 hours of irritation begin.
Now, I'm not a parent, nor do I plan on being one (mainly because I like money, sanity, and sleep). I will say that I'm pretty fucking sure I know what not to do if I were one, however. I don't know if this couple randomly found these devilspawn and decided to just take them along on any outing they go on, because they sure didn't act like they knew what they were doing as parents. Strike that, they didn't do ANYTHING a parent would do in this instance.
The movie starts. I'm eager to see it because I couldn't stand Tobey Mcguire, or Kirsten "my character is a stupid bitch" Dunst, and I'm enjoying it, for the first 10-15 minutes. I'm trying to ignore the constant babbling directly behind me perpetrated by 3 toddlers who have no fucking idea what is going on, and unfortunately it's not working. I keep waiting for their parents to tell them to stop talking, and I'm not hearing it. I turn around and I ask politely "Hey, please be quiet?". I get a nod from the father, and then he just goes back to the movie, completely ignoring his talkative child, who is now asking "Daddy what did he say? What does quiet mean?".
This is my nightmare.
The rest of the movie continued as can be expected with small children, and needless to say, while I immensely enjoyed the flick, I would have enjoyed it about 100% more if these two assholes had not been there with their little irritants. Let me break it down for you, so that if you are, or know anyone, who does this, you'll be able to make things better for everyone else.
First: It is 8pm. Why the FUCK are your children not in bed at this time? When I was a child my bedtime was 8:00 no matter what, until I was in junior high. Why are you dragging toddlers around town at this time?
Second: This movie is rated PG-13. I know no one gives a shit about movie ratings, but you know, you really should. I think it is wildly inappropriate to take 5 year olds to a PG-13 movie, because they will have no fucking idea what is going on, and this was most definitely not a kids movie. If I saw the Lizard in this movie when I was that age I would have nightmares for a solid week.
Third: If you can't afford to hire a babysitter to watch your kids for 3 hours while you have dinner and see a movie, then maybe you should just stay the fuck home. The world is not your babysitter, these people were pretty much completely ignoring their kids as they watched this movie.
If the theater weren't so packed, I'd have moved to a different seat. AND I'd have told them why before I did it. I was about ready to pitch that kid all the way down to the bottom of the stadium seating, that's how irritated I was. The constant questions progressed to fidgeting (and kicking my seat), and then on into whining because they were bored/tired/hungry. I literally had to get right up and leave as soon as it ended to keep myself from doing something that would land me in jail.
I just don't understand why it's so impossible for people to behave like parents nowadays. I think this photo says it best, though:
I can see this happening to those kids if the trend continued. Indulgent parenting, aka "Do whatever you want because I think you should be a free spirit or because I'm not going to be mean like my parents". It's actually NON-parenting. And it has to stop. If I did any of the above mentioned things, I'd have been given one warning, (which I would have promptly forgot since I was FIVE) and then get marched home and probably get my butt smacked for disobedience.
I don't have kids and even I know that young children like that are NOT going to sit still for a full 2.5 hour movie, let alone a fucking half hour cartoon. I know your kid might like Spider-Man on saturday mornings, but bringing them to the adult version of the film is irresponsible and wildly inappropriate. It's also supremely inconsiderate to everyone else there, because you ruin their good time with your little brats who don't understand anything about how they're supposed to behave outside the house. They're having a grand old time cause they don't know any better, while their asshole parents just ignore them and inflict them on the rest of us. I know you've probably gotten very good at tuning out the incessant babbling/whining/fidgeting, but I haven't, and I shouldn't have to deal with it.
I feel like there should be some kind of license to have children, to prove that you can be a capable parent. I know the implementation of this would be extremely difficult, and of course all the breeders would scream about not being able to shit out half a dozen retard babies, but seriously, we have WAY too many stupid assholes in this country, and it's not really getting better. Parenting is not a natural phenomenon, it's a skill like any other, and a lot of people just don't have it, or can't develop it. They're the ones who are crappin out kids like it's their job cause God says it's bad to use birth control or some other bullshit.
So in summation: If you don't do anything to actively keep your child from annoying the rest of us, don't be surprised when someone like me gives you an earful. I'm glad my parents gave me structure and discipline as a kid, because I've grown into a successful, non-douchebag intellectual. These kids are gonna turn into spoiled little shits who will scream and cry when anyone says 'no' to them.
I hate people.
That will be all.
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